WD Wit

*K blows up an empty crisp bag, ready to burst it and scare someone*

K: This is the sort of thing Matt would appreciate.

*K disappears to Matt's room*

*sound of door opening, followed by crisp bag bursting*

*K returns*

K: It would have worked better if he was actually in his room.

Recorded in Dave's flat, Manchester

---
*B shows K the box for School Tycoon*

B: Is there anything that won't be Something Tycoon by the end of the universe?

*pause*

B: Swamp Tycoon?
K: Nah, that'd be Sim Swamp.

Recorded at large HMV, Market Street, Manchester

---
*K uses Acronym Generator on 'Kinitawowi'. The 'o' stands for...

K: Organic?!
B: Well, y'know, no metal, or anything.
K: Apart from the steel plate I got in 'Nam.

Recorded at Dave's flat, Manchester

---
Kinitawowi says:
Sometimes you shouldn't say words.
Bally says:
Or communicate in any way.
Kinitawowi says:
Oooh, good thinking. [up]
Bally says:
Cheers! Do you want me to buy a gag?
Kinitawowi says:
Nah. Shouldn't be necessary. Besides, wearing a gag is implicitly a method of communication.
Kinitawowi says:
It communicates the message "Help! I have been gagged! This is probably seen as a bad thing by most of society!!"

Recorded on MSN

---
Bally says:
See, sometimes I should say words.
Kinitawowi says:
No, you should write words. Preferably mine.

Recorded on MSN

---
*K&B are discussing the work of The Beatles*

Kinitawowi says:
It's probably odd that I like it [You've Got To Hide Your Love Away], considering that it's almost entirely Lennon.
...
Bally says:
Dave! You love Lennon!
Kinitawowi says:
I prefer Lenin.

Recorded on MSN

---
Bally says:
The dripping sarcasm button for keyboards has yet to be invented.
Kinitawowi says:
Really? I get a message that says "Kinitawowi says:" to warn me.

Recorded on MSN

---
*K&B are discussing who might make K's "Five" list, as per the programme Friends*
Bally says:
A Corr?
Bally says:
Perhaps A. Corr?

Recorded on MSN

---
*K&B are watching Olympics coverage*

B: The steeplechase is a strange event. Where does it come from? Who designed it?
K: I dunno, probably the same bloke who came up with the Man vs. Horse marathon.

Recorded at Dave's flat, Manchester

A belated-but-big thanks to Sharon for providing the lovely icons used for the MSN sections!

Kinitawowi says:
My Chicken Pasta Bake last night carried the following instructions.
Kinitawowi says:
1) Remove cardboard outer, and pierce film lid.
Kinitawowi says:
2) Put in microwave on full power for 2 1/2 minutes.
Kinitawowi says:
3) Gently agitate product, and heat for a further 2 1/2 minutes.
Kinitawowi says:
How do you agitate food, anyway?!
Kinitawowi says:
"HEY! CHICKEN!" *points at chicken* "I FUCKED YOUR MUM!"

---
*K&B are discussing who will be in charge of Britain after the elections*

B: Blair'll want to see the Euro through. At least before Gordon can come in and undo it.
K: I don't buy that. I think Blair would prefer the dollar.

---
*K has been meticulously cleaning a chocolate stain from his sofa seat for about seven minutes*

K: Robinson, you're a genius.
B: Something very bad is about to happen...

*K picks up cushion seat and flips it over*

---
K: How would you know if I died?
B: Matt?
K: Nah, he'd just go to bed, saying, "I'll deal with the smell in the morning. Maybe."

---
B: Do you know what I propose?
K: Sleep?
B: No.
K: Marriage?

*pause*

K: Say something quickly.

---
*K&B have just taken out the rubbish*

B: Those who cannot speak are mute. Those who cannot hear are deaf. Those who cannot see are blind. Those who cannot smell - what are they called?
K: Lucky.

---
B: Realisation is the first step on the path to cure. Of course, I don't know what the fuck the next step is.
K: Relapse, usually.

---
B: Because Vegas, as we learn from TV, is wall-to-wall casinos and strip clubs. There may be the odd hotel here and there.
K: Emphasis on 'ho'.

---
*St. Elmo's Fire (Man In Motion) by John Parr is playing*

K: Sometimes accredited to Meat Loaf, which is probably why you don't like it.
B: Yes, it's certainly got his pomp. And by "pomp", I mean "small penis".

K: Needs must...
B: ... as the Devil drives.
K: Stupid Devil! Who gave him the fucking keys?

---
*Andy is talking about reinforcements for the police at the FA Cup tie Scarborough vs. Chelsea earlier this year*

K: Why? Because Scarborough police force only numbers three people.
B: Two of them are horses.
K: The other one's a sheep.

---
*K holds up B's dough blender*

K: It's either a device of extreme torture, or a very small letter rack.

Editor's Note: A Dough Blender

---
B: Ah! The Polyphonic Spree!
K: Arguably the ultimate definition of a cult band.

---
*K&B are discussing The Corrs*

K: The trouble is they made their name by being different. Everyone expected the same different; instead they got a different same.

---
Kinitawowi says:
Okay, that's enough, I'm off food-hunting!
Bally says:
I shall search for the arms of Morpheus to take me in their slight embrace.
Kinitawowi says:
Right. I'm going for a shit.

---
*After seeing Citroen advert at cinema with Thierry Henry on the drums*

K: Thierry Henry has been upstaged by a muppet. My life is now complete.

---
*B is explaining what opposable digits are*

B: Opposable digits. That, and a bit of DNA, are what separates us from the monkeys.
K: That and the fact that we don't throw shit at each other.

---
*K is recalling that the furore surrounding Madonna's Like A Virgin video got as far as the Pope*

C: The Pope watches MTV?! I thought they were supposed to shun possessions!
K: MTV isn't exactly a possession.
C: No, but the TV to watch it on is.
K: He probably rents it.

*K&B discuss the sharpness of the knives in their former Hall of Residence, Slems*

K: My toenail is sharper than Slems knives. Your wit is sharper than Slems knives.

---
*Amanda and H emerge from where they signed the register during their wedding*

B: Right, less talk about sex!
K: Was that "less", or "let's"?

---
*K has put some jeans on*

B: Der der da der! [in the true Legend of Zelda style] You got the Jeans!
K: With this, you can make your legs look blue.

---
*K&B are discussing K getting a better job*

B: At least they'll [his current employers] give you a glowing reference.
K: Yes.

*pause*

K: I'd rather have a fat paycheque.

---
*K&B discuss the release date of Red Dwarf III on DVD*

B: November, you said, did you not?
K: Yes. November the... early.

---
K: I do not watch Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I like my brain cell.

---
K: There are a lot of words I would use to describe 'Faith Of The Heart' [Enterprise theme tune]. None of them are rock. With the possible exception of the one that begins with a 'C'.

---
K: Is it true that Prince had a couple of ribs removed so that he could, erm...

*embarrassed pause*

*further embarrassed pause*

K: Auto fellatio?
C: You described that very well!
B: Pleasure himself without using his hand.
K: And not his other hand!
B: Look Mum, no hands!

--
K: There was one occasion when I had to look at my socks to find out what day it was.

*pause*

K: It was a Wednesday.

C: But Adam called me the viciousest bitch in the world!
K: Yeah, but he was drunk.
B: You can tell because of the word 'viciousest'.
K: No, you can tell because of the word 'Adam'.

---
*K&B are discussing the pattern of generation of sketches for The K&B Show. B has pointed out that more sketches have been made recently*

K: You know why, don't you?
B: Go on.
K: My house. Your place is unfunny.

*pause*

K: Tough room.

---
*B gets a crossword clue*

B: Idiot!
K: What?
B: I am immensely stupid.
K: This is news?

---
*K announces that Andy is planning to go to Amanda's wedding: there follows a brief discussion of what we are going to wear*

K: Andy is planning to go the whole hog.
B: He's got the Austin Powers-style ruff collar?

*pause*

K: Andy is planning to go the three-quarters hog.

---
*K&B are discussing Buffy 7.20 Touched. Buffy has just found the axe-thing.

K: I first saw it described as a scythe.

*pause*

B: Oh, wow!
K: The concept of Buffy as Death?
B: No, worse!
K: The concept of Buffy as a farmer?!

---
K: That's what amazes me about prison. Basically, it's "Go to your room and think about what you did."

---
*K&B are discussing Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring*

K: Basically that film was just walking. More walking. More walking. More walking.

*pause*

K: More walking.
B: Oh look! There's a boat!
K: Let's walk past it!

---
*K&B are discussing Bob The Builder's entry in The Guinness Book Of British Hit Singles, in which he is listed as a 'UK male silicone puppet building contractor'*

B: Silicone? Does that mean you could melt him down and make boobs?

*'Perfect' by The Lightning Seeds comes up on K's WinAmp*

K: I haven't heard this in ages.
B: Neither have I.
K: Despite the fact that you own its ass.
B: And also its left toe.
K: Pardon?!
B: And also its left toe!
K: Oh. I thought you said 'left testicle' for a moment there.
B: Oh no. It hasn't got many testicles, this song.
K: I dunno. I'm sure somebody thinks it's balls.

---
*K is detailing the history of the group Atomic Kitten*

K: And then Kerry Katona got pregnant.
B: To one of the fucks from Westlife.
K: Thus conclusively disproving the theory that they're all fags.
B: Two of them got engaged on Christmas Day!
K: To each other!

---
*K is trying to install B's new hard disk*

K: Do you have something small and thin that isn't your penis?

---
K: I was on Geek Dictionary the other day and someone asked what other people thought the predominant problem in computing over the next fifteen years would be. Someone answered, in all seriousness, "There are only 17,576 TLA's".
B: That's just sad.

*pause*

B: What do you think the problem will be?
K: I have no idea. Probably AOL.

[Which is itself a TLA - Ed.]

---
*K&B are outside in the cold*

B: My forehead is freezing.
K: Wear a hat.
B: But I've just washed my hair!
K: Wear a clean hat.

---
*K&B are watching a news report on shooting ducks*

B: Did he just say 'ruddy ducks?!
K: Yeah!
B: I was really hoping he hadn't.
K: I think 'ruddy' is a make of duck.

---
*K&B are watching Buffy 7.08 Sleeper*

Anya: Better be! Because if I get vamped, I'm gonna bite your ass.
Xander: Wouldn't be the first time.
Anya: What was that?
K: From beneath you, it devours.

---
*K&B are watching England vs. Turkey; Michael Owen has just missed two chances in quick succession*

K: Take Owen off, please. Put him out of our misery.

---
K: I don't fart at work.
B: You turn it off, do you?
K: The atmosphere at work is not conducive to me farting.

*K&B are discussing what B gets called in the corridors of B's placement school*

K: Always respond to the first name you're called. I've been going to a newsagent's near the university for four and a half years now where they call me 'Paul'".

---
B: Oooh! You turned your monitor on!
K: Yes. I do that sometimes.

---
*K is playing The Legend Of Zelda: A Link To The Past on his SNES emulator. He has come to a puzzle involving movable blocks; his character is pulling on an immovable block and sweat is pouring off him*

K: I reckon, if you do that long enough, he should fart. Nyuh, nyuh... thirrrrrp.

---
K: I think I've said before that there is no TV show in the whole of history that has been as important as The Simpsons.

*pause*

B: You're right.
K: I have said it before.

---
B: I'm an idiot, what more can I say?
K: What more do you need to say, is perhaps more appropriate.

---
*K&B are reading a Ben appreciation thread*

K: I need to post a reply in that thread saying, "Ben gives great head."
B: Go on, then.
K: No.

*pause*

B: You have these great ideas, but you're afraid to use them.
K: What do you think would come of it?

---
*K lists the bands on TOTP2 one night*

K: ... The Rolling Stones... apparently, they've got some new shit out.
B: Yeah. There are four new tracks on their Very, Very, Very, Very, Very, Very Best Of.
K: Yeah. The Best Of The Best Of.

*K&B are listening to Iron Butterfly's In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, in particular the long instrumental in the middle*

B: My God! What does the lead singer do in the meantime?
K: Masturbate.

---
*B has just told a very bad joke*

K: There's a forum on the newsgroup Matt hangs out at called Piss Poor Humour. They would have turned that down.

---
K: Darn.
B: I left my needle in my other pants.
K: Damn.

*pause*

K: You left your beaver in your other pants.

---
*K&B are discussing a Bloodhound Gang song*

B: Why Norwegian lesbians?
K: Because Swedish lesbians are fat.

---
B: Hey, God, what do you think of that Spears chick?
K (deep voice): I'D DO HER.

---
B: Why does everyone hate S6, Dave?
K: Because it's a big steaming pile of poo.

---
*K&B are shopping and K goes over the shopping list*

K: What do we need? Cow juice and chicken tit.

---
*K&B are discussing the making of the first K&B post*

B: You just want me to make you look great!
K: Everybody wants to look great! It's the whole fucking purpose of being!